The ABC has made a recent decision to blur crane booms in their news footage, to ensure viewers aren’t offended by their shape.
In a secret company memo acquired by iSeekplant through means we cannot disclose, we have learned that Australia’s national broadcaster has made the decision to pixelate booms on working machines on construction sites because of their physical symbolism.
The ABC believes that crane booms are too phallic-shaped, and therefore should not be shown moving, working, or hanging over people’s heads unless pixelated. In the memo it also decrees that any ‘particularly erect’ cranes shouldn’t be shot at all, instructing videographers to ‘cut away’ from the erect booms during the shoot.
In the memo, that was directed to all editorial staff of the ABC, it describes situations where working cranes could be, that viewers may find particularly offensive.
“Cranes jibbing up and jibbing down, and jibbing outwards in the footage should be avoided - or ‘boom up, boom down’ as it's called in the industry. Particularly if a crane is jibbing out and booming up at the same time,” says the memo.
The memo specifically calls out rough terrain cranes, mandating that rough terrain cranes must be omitted from footage altogether, because their big tyres at the base of the boom shaft make it look particularly “reminiscent of a phallus”.
Mrs Buttrose criticised the construction industry for using offensive and symbolic language. “It is clear to me that the construction industry needs to progress towards more appropriate language - words commonly used in the industry such as “block and tackle” referring to rigging on a crane, “snatch strap” is a pulling device on a crane, “manhole” for a small excavation that provides access to a worker - even the reference to “donkey dicks” in discussion of red witches hats. The ABC wants to lead the charge in getting this industry to clean its act up”.
Changes to treatments of crane footage are indicated as effective immediately - with the ABC assembling a task force, at the expense of tax-payers, to review all archived footage dating back 30 years, in a move to pixelate cranes so that anyone enjoying old news broadcasts of the ABC won’t be offended.
Source: April Fools!